To Mum or Not To Mum: Let's Talk About Ovaries

This is the kind of post that you don't know how to start. The sort of post that you're not sure you should even write. However, when a doctor first told me that I might not be as fertile as I would hope, I felt nothing but lost, inadequate and alone. And reading an account from someone like me made me feel like I wasn't alone. Infertility is one of those taboo topics that you never think will affect you. It only happens to people you don't know, or it's just a statistic and it doesn't actually happen to anyone real. It's just a number.  But after my doctor told me that she wanted to investigate whether I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), I realised that it's all so much more than a number. The feelings that come with it are more than real. PCOS is a condition whereby small cysts develop on your ovaries and stop your body from releasing eggs regularly, or for some people at all. This makes it difficult to time when to get pregnant and for some people makes if near impossible to get pregnant at all., or to carry a baby full term. The are tones of symptoms for it, and there's a lot of biology that I'm not going to pretend know, but one thing I have learned is that if I do have this condition (I'm too nervous to go and have the ultrasound that I need) then it's not the end of the road.  When I was first told that I may have a condition that would affect whether or not I could have children, I felt like my whole world was falling down around me. Who will love me if I can't offer them a family? What will I leave behind when I'm gone? What will be my legacy? Who will remember me? Is IVF an option? Will I never get to find out what it's like to carry a baby? Will I never get to feel that absolute unconditional love for something that is made of me? All of these questions whizzed through my head, in fact they buzzed in and never really left; instead they just sat humming on my head on a constant basis. It was a concept that I couldn't comprehend. I've always been curious about what it would be like to carry a baby, and now I've been told that I might struggle even getting to that point.  I know this is not a death sentence and I'm very aware that I may go and have my tests and there be nothing there and I'll be sent home labelled 'normal'. Even people who have PCOS can go on to have perfectly healthy flourishing families without that much difficulty. But it's felt like all kinds of scary and isn't something that I've really shared with people. I know this is a tone of waffle (my bad), but I'm just emptying my head here, so bear/bare (I NEVER know which one it is) with me.  Even if I come out of this the other side with no issues, this whole experience has taught me a few things.  1. Life is really effing special and no one should take it for granted. Some people can get pregnant at the drop of a hat and other's can't. Life is a gift and it doesn't just happen, so if you have been gifted with the opportunity to bring someone into the world- don't brush it aside, it's really freaking important. 2. 'OMG I'M PREGNANT' frapes are the least funny thing in the world. 3. There are times in life where we are faced with a whole load of bull shit that we don't know how to deal with. Sometimes this leaves us feeling really alone, but we are far from that. Really, speaking from experience here.  Lastly, this may have been a little TMI, but I'm speaking about it because it's important and even if it only reaches one person that it makes a difference to then that's great for me. I'll leve you with some final words that I shared with a blogger who found out at around the same time as me that she might have PCOS... Don't worry. We got this.