Where the bloody hell have you been?

Okay, I know. I've been missing in action for approximately 430 days...I am a terrible person.

Truth of the matter is that I've had 430 days to try to get my head around what on Earth is going on with my life. I was having a really shit time, like 'shake up your entire world and make you question who you are' type shitty time. The type of time where one minute you want to throw yourself off a bridge, one minute you're high as a kite and, in the next minute, you're eating your entire body weight in pasta. It was far from fun.

But I didn't choose the bridge option, I sometimes choose the pasta option and I frequently am high as a kite. It's taken me numerous courses of antidepressants and counselling to get me here, but I'm kind of functioning properly. Except that time when I spent £70 on bowls from Tesco...but that's a story for another time...

In the last 430 days, I have:

-Seriously neglected my blog (my bad)

-Started up my own business

-Started working regularly for three other companies

-Gained myself a teaching qualification
-Visited Starbucks 9 million times

-Gotten myself in a relationship with the most amazing (yet infuriating) person I have ever met

-Made new friends
-Bought 23 new pairs of shoes

-Said goodbye to people that I never thought I would do

-Read so many self help books that I should be able to self diagnose and treat myself for any mental health concerns with the power of positive reinforcement, yoga and colouring in a mindfulness colouring book full of cats
And...
-Finally, started to figure out what I find important in life


So all in all, this little post is just a quick one to reintroduce myself to you guys.


Hi, my name is Sian, and I've been really shit at keeping my blog up to date...

Some Things Aren't Meant to Be: On Picking Yourself Back Up Again

Some things aren't meant to be. It's rubbish, but it's true. Life throws us all sorts of stuff to deal with when we are least ready to be able to deal with it. But, if you believe that there's a path that's pretty much already laid out for you, like I do, then you'll know that things work out okay in the end. They might not be okay right now, but they will be.

There are some things in our lives that just aren't meant to be part of that path in the long run. They might not last forever, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they weren't supposed to happen. My friend Natalie says that people come into our lives for a lifetime, for a season or for a reason; I'd like to stretch that to situations and circumstances. Some things are happy and they might last forever, or they might be a constant struggle. Some things happen for a short time, they might be sad or they might be happy. And there are things in life that happen to us or that we are part of because we are purely supposed to learn from those things. It might be a lesson that results in a change of behaviour, opinion or outlook, or it might be that we are supposed to learn to live with or without something, or maybe we're supposed to value something in a way that we didn't know it was possible. Regardless, things challenge us to make us stronger.

The scary and awful thing about getting stronger, is that you have to feel weaker for a while first. That's the bit that sucks ass. But the important thing is that we need to pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off and carry on. If we didn't, we'd be pretty stuck.

Picking yourself up is easier said than done. But you'll get there.

Take a bath. Get dressed that day. Sleep. Cry. Scream. Throw things. Take time out. Find some headspace. Be alone. Don't be alone. Spend time with friends. Watch tv sit-coms. Light a candle. Remember to eat. Talk. Think about where you want to be in a week, a month, a year, three years. Do anything you need to, but remember that there is something at the other end. There's something after all of shit bits that's worth riding out the storm for. Take the time that you need and then stand up and carry on.

We got this.

Yep, I did it again...Lush Haul!

I know it happens far too often on here, but the reason why I picked up a few bits today is because I feel like I haven't been practising self-care quite often enough. I have somewhat neglected myself over the past few months and it's made me miserable. To the point where I was thinking of making myself a rescue dog shelter style advert to put out there. Bad times, folks. 

But there's been a happy new release in our local Lush and I just thought I'd pick a few extra bits up while I was grabbing one of those for myself. Rejoice!! 

I'll start with the newbie then...

Lava Lamp Bath Ballistic

Orange with purple spots, it looks like something from a different planet and I'm extremely excited to see what it looks like in the water. Too excited almost. I lead a sad life, as you can tell. And I'm very happy pleased that it's a cheeky fruity orange number too. 

Milky Bath Bubble Bar

I'm not going to talk about this, I pick one up every time I do a little haul. Sorry. Not sorry. 

Yoga Bomb Bath Ballistic

I haven't had one of these sandalwood beauties pretty much since it came out last year. I wasn't keen at first but now it's one of my favourites, and really relaxing treat...and the odd colour change. 

Frozen Bath Ballistic 

Grapefruit. Neroli oil. Glitter. What more does a stressed out girl need? Moving on. 

Rose Jam Bubbleroon 

I just happened to wander past this earlier and breathed it in. I fell in love with the Rose Jam shower gel pretty much 3 years ago and I've never given this gem enough credit. But it smells exactly the same and I can't wait to use it.

Twilight Bath Ballistic 

Despite being one of the older ballistics, I hadn't tried this one before a few weeks ago, and it's beautiful. I love it's sweet lavender scent. I think it's one of my new favourites. 

I know it's probably not all that exciting, but it's my way of jumping back into my blog. Which I'm afraid has been just as neglected as I have been. All my fault of course. Girl gotta put her hands up sometimes at just admit it. 

KIKO Makeup First Impressions

Apart from receiving a Kiko Eyeshadow Stick in a subscription box once, I have to admit I was a complete stranger to Kiko Makeup as a brand. I didn't know how good value for money it was, I didn't know how good quality the products would be and I didn't know whether they would be my cup of tea. 

The answers to those ponderings are:

Cheap.

Quality.

And spot on. It's the make up equivalent of an earl grey with two sugars and a spoon of milk. (Don't even start on how wrong my tea drinking habits are). 

I've been trying to use a lot more eye shadows when I do my make up, I've even been watching tutorials about it. So I picked up a couple of Kiko's single eyeshadows. The Kiko products don't have names, only numbers, so I'll try and find them and add them in at some point. But I have been glued to the very light shimmery white colour, it's perfect for highlighting your brow bone and neat ending up your brows! 

I picked up this mega bright dark pink lipstick simply because I don't have one like it already. It's creamy, easy to apply, does bleed everywhere and has a fantastic pigmented colour. 

I have to laugh sometimes at the packaging because, as funky as it is, it reminds me of something else. Absolute child. 

Lip liners? Say what? I've never been one for actually doing my lips properly. Probably why my bold lip game has never been all that strong. But I picked up a red lip liner because I wear a red lip all of the time and wanted up my game. 

I like the colour of this enough, however, I do find that it dries my lips out something rotten. Plenty of lip balm and TLC is needed. 

Lastly, this is one of their lengthening and volumising mascaras. I don't hate it but I'm also not a fan. Just don't think it really does that much. Shame.

So there was my little Kiko haul, I've enjoyed trying some of their make up as its not somewhere I've ventured before. I shall be venturing back there soon, I hope. Especially since all of this came to around £25! 

Not More Empties?

I'm feeling pretty ashamed that I've once again completely abandoned my blog, only to come back a month later and apologise with my tail between my legs. This is why I'll never be particularly successful, I have no persistence. I'm the world's biggest procrastinator! Sorry. 

But I thought I would kick us off with a round up of some empty bottles that I've been hoarding. Because let's face it, who doesn't love reading about other people's empty cosmetics...

I once again got myself through a bottle of the Garnier Micellar Water. I love this stuff, it makes me feel so much less guilty than using face wipes to remove make up. 

Another bathroom cabinet staple of mine is Lush Daddy O shampoo, perfect for blonde hair. Literally, I can't get enough of this stuff and I point blank refuse to use anything else! 

Next, onto a couple of mini face creams. I opened these little guys up from inside my Body Shop advent calendar and they were very welcome. I've used The Body Shop Vitamin E Moisture Cream before, and I remember not being that fussed about it but I'll never pass over something filled with vitamin E. The matching night cream however, that's a whole new ball game! Complete game changer! And I have actually repurchased a full sized pot and now use it daily as part of my routine. (That's The Body Shop Vitamin E Night Cream, incase you missed it.)

Another one from The Body Shop (noticing a trend here yet?) is the Creamy Tea Tree Facial Wash. I'm not one for using tea tree on my face, I usually find products that contain it to be far far too astringent and harsh on my quite sensitive, dry skin. However, with my massive acne breakouts (haven't been this bad since high school) I needed to resort to desperate measures and this was recommended by one of the sales assistants as it's creamy texture helps to avoid drying out the skin. She was right, I love the stuff. When I went back to get some more, she told me that they have actually discontinued it(!?!) so I bought the very last two bottles that they had. Damn it. 

Onto another product that you can't get  anymore, Hot Toddy Shower Gel from Lush. I stored a little bottle of this all last year so that I had some to use in the run up to Christmas. Bright red, sparkly and has that spicy cinnamon Christmas smell- what more could a girl need?

I'd seen these OPI Conditioners everywhere, and I'd always looked at the price tag and gone 'yep, not paying that much'. I picked up this OPI Renewing Argon Oil Conditioner up when it was on offer. Although it did leave my hair soft, I couldn't merit paying full price for it so won't be buying again. Nothing special. 

The Body Shop is back again. My bad. This time it's the Aloe Gentle Cleanser, the Vitamin E Toner and the Aloe Moisuring Day Cream. I like all of these products, I like them all a lot. The cleanser is a product that I buy over and over again and will probably continue to until I hear of something better. The toner was lovely (another little gift in my advent calendar), the only problem is that I totally begrudge paying money for a product that does he same job as water... And then the day cream is beautiful, but I just want a bit more! If it had an SPF then I would have stuck with it, but it just doesn't tick the boxes I want it to. 

Two perfumes now. Sian? Finishing perfumes? What's wrong with the world? But seriously, here I have Thiery Mugler's Angel and Alien. Angel is my signature scent for the nighttime and Alien was a little post holiday duty free treat last summer- but one that I shall definitely be repeating! 

And last but not least, a spot of Clinque. Here we've got Clinque's Anti Blemish Solution. It is basically a liquid exfoliant toner, and is a product that I don't purchase all of the time (due to it's hefty £18 price tag) but do enjoy and crave from time to time when my skin is a little lack lustre. I would certainly recommend for people who like to exfoliate but don't like to actively scrub their skin. 

I hope that this has been a nice reintroduction and I promise that you'll now be getting regular material regularly. 

Speak later, 

Sian x 

Cheeky Lush Haul

It happened again...my bad. 

I was coming to the end of my shift, we had new products in and I knew that I could afford to spend a little on a few bits...so I did. 

Not going to lie, I have absolutely fallen in love with the Lush Easter 2016 range, like really. So I picked up the bits that most took my fancy (yeah only two, this girl isn't made of money). And then I picked up some favourites. 

Right then, rambley bit over. Here we go:

Mint Julips Lip Scrub-

I've only ever used the limited edition Christmas and Valentine's scrubs from Lush but I've always quite fancied this one. Mint Julips is a mint chocolate sugar lip scrub, it's great for exfoliating away any dead skin and keeps lips kissable. I've been using lip liner a lot over the last few weeks, and crikey, my lips are a chapped, dry state so I picked this little pot up to make my lips feel less like the back end of a hedgehog. 

King Of Skin Body Butter-

This! This is the one! I'm a stickler for moisturising after having a bath or shower, but I'm not going to lie, it's such a massive ballache!! It takes ages and it's not enjoyable and I'd rather use my time doing something else. This solid bar takes away some of that effort as you simply use it while you're still in the shower or bath, just as you would with a soap. I love using this when I've got a tan, even if only from a bottle.

Golden Egg Bath Bomb-

ALL OF THE GLITTER! I'm seriously a magpie. I pick up a few of these every year because this girl loves the sparkle. This bath bomb-bath melt hybrid moisturises, makes you smell of toffee and leaves you a little bit shimmery. Yes please! 

Humpty Dumpty Bath Bomb-

I wouldn't usually pick one of these up because I don't think it's the most attractive of bath bombs, however...it smells incredible. Filled with a toffee, honey scent, I can't wait to drop this one in my bath. 

Milky Bath Bubble Bar- 

You see this one all of the time. It's my favourite. Milk, cocoa butter and bubbles.  It's a winner all round really. Sorry, not sorry. 

I apologise for my slight addiction to Lush products but it's not going to stop and I'm pretty sure that you'll be seeing another one of these sometime soon. 

To Mum or Not To Mum: Let's Talk About Ovaries

This is the kind of post that you don't know how to start. The sort of post that you're not sure you should even write. However, when a doctor first told me that I might not be as fertile as I would hope, I felt nothing but lost, inadequate and alone. And reading an account from someone like me made me feel like I wasn't alone. Infertility is one of those taboo topics that you never think will affect you. It only happens to people you don't know, or it's just a statistic and it doesn't actually happen to anyone real. It's just a number.  But after my doctor told me that she wanted to investigate whether I have Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), I realised that it's all so much more than a number. The feelings that come with it are more than real. PCOS is a condition whereby small cysts develop on your ovaries and stop your body from releasing eggs regularly, or for some people at all. This makes it difficult to time when to get pregnant and for some people makes if near impossible to get pregnant at all., or to carry a baby full term. The are tones of symptoms for it, and there's a lot of biology that I'm not going to pretend know, but one thing I have learned is that if I do have this condition (I'm too nervous to go and have the ultrasound that I need) then it's not the end of the road.  When I was first told that I may have a condition that would affect whether or not I could have children, I felt like my whole world was falling down around me. Who will love me if I can't offer them a family? What will I leave behind when I'm gone? What will be my legacy? Who will remember me? Is IVF an option? Will I never get to find out what it's like to carry a baby? Will I never get to feel that absolute unconditional love for something that is made of me? All of these questions whizzed through my head, in fact they buzzed in and never really left; instead they just sat humming on my head on a constant basis. It was a concept that I couldn't comprehend. I've always been curious about what it would be like to carry a baby, and now I've been told that I might struggle even getting to that point.  I know this is not a death sentence and I'm very aware that I may go and have my tests and there be nothing there and I'll be sent home labelled 'normal'. Even people who have PCOS can go on to have perfectly healthy flourishing families without that much difficulty. But it's felt like all kinds of scary and isn't something that I've really shared with people. I know this is a tone of waffle (my bad), but I'm just emptying my head here, so bear/bare (I NEVER know which one it is) with me.  Even if I come out of this the other side with no issues, this whole experience has taught me a few things.  1. Life is really effing special and no one should take it for granted. Some people can get pregnant at the drop of a hat and other's can't. Life is a gift and it doesn't just happen, so if you have been gifted with the opportunity to bring someone into the world- don't brush it aside, it's really freaking important. 2. 'OMG I'M PREGNANT' frapes are the least funny thing in the world. 3. There are times in life where we are faced with a whole load of bull shit that we don't know how to deal with. Sometimes this leaves us feeling really alone, but we are far from that. Really, speaking from experience here.  Lastly, this may have been a little TMI, but I'm speaking about it because it's important and even if it only reaches one person that it makes a difference to then that's great for me. I'll leve you with some final words that I shared with a blogger who found out at around the same time as me that she might have PCOS... Don't worry. We got this.